Friday, May 30, 2008

Girls and Concentration

Every so often I encounter a young female in what appears as a kind of constant fixed concentration. Emotionally, it hits me, “whoh”! Just a glance at such a female instantly gives me an awakened feeling notwithstanding I had before had no occasion to consider myself as asleep. But unlike waking up in the morning, when a girl's look awakens me thus I feel more dreamy afterwards than before. It's as though it is a sudden intimation that there has been frivolity in my life that needs removal. Like a sudden realization my brain was considering the planet Crouton all this time when it should have been planted here on Earth. Who would have thought? And yet there is terror in my emotion, too, like waking up on account of a nightmare. A beautiful nightmare. Like from sleep lifting my torso perpendicular to the bed all of a sudden to stare forward into the abyss before the bed, because I feel in my bones the nightmare was the warning of a benevolent monitory spirit who knows just where the real danger lies, aye!

This I know: that there is a peace in loving, a peace much desired that can't be gained merely on account of being sought. A coolness rests in the level gaze of a girl in concentration. It's a sacred thing, a girl like that. It's a trance.

I myself have been at times in a state sharing certain particulars with a trancelike state. But it is not the same thing, the thing that I have felt. I have been so that my holiness, my worship, my purity of thought and even my caring did seem not just as essential to what my love demanded but as the most necessary proof that my nature remained undefiled. Was I undefiled? Was my love virtuous? They became the same question. Were I to have stopped loving, it could only have meant to my emotions that some abomination had been afflicted upon me to change my fixed opinion. The best way I could gain the sort of peace I needed to do math was by never suffering myself to stop feeling even an instant the holy pure emotions involved in my worship of her.

When in such a trance-like state, I never had much occasion to consider sex that much. It was my love that was special and had to be kept sacred, and if I wanted to have sex with her, well, big deal, that's a fairly run-of-the mill emotion for a male to have—not really any need to focus on that. But when girls love, they tend to think of it as a wanting of sex. Girls love most importantly through sex. So when love makes a girl go into something of a trance, I daresay it is sex the girl is concentrating on. I think girls go trance more than males, actually. They are more often targets of molestation, which makes tests against such more useful there, in the females. The difference is that when girls go into trance, it is an obviously sexual feeling that they keep constantly inside themselves. If the flame of sexual love is not out, it can only be because depravity has not blown it out. And so long as the flame is not out, there is real peace for her in being able to continuously recognize that, notwithstanding that if depravity didn't blow the flame out, it wouldn't have stolen what she needs to relight the flame either, and so the flame probably would be easy enough to relight.

Sodomy warps the sexual emotions of girls. It is what sodomy does. When people try to deny girls their natural sexual desires, the victimized girls are inclined to emotionally view that control as equivalent to molestation—an act of sodomy. Even when society tries to make girls scared of their sexual wants and needs by trying to make the wants and needs seem as being depraved and therefore untrue, what can happen when a girl's sexual desires are thwarted is that she can view the thwarters' methods for altering her sexual desires as likely depraved. And when a strong girl feels as though depravity is trying to warp her sexual nature from what it naturally is, she will need proof to herself that this is not the case to fully maintain her sanity. She will quite possibly need to concentrate on her sexual desire all day long just to be cool, even if that be quite opposite the intended consequences of the restrictions from those wanting to thwart her sexual desires.

So there's the thing. I love girls who concentrate on sex. The way they look when they are into the sacredness of their sexual desire, it is beautiful on what I can only say as some sort of higher religious level. It is transcendental. It's as though there is a rip in her brain through which one may see the higher universe. And on a mundane level, I daresay there is a kind of concentrated practical understanding of how sex should be to be more fun and beautiful that I see in females that I doubt could come to me so easily. I despair of having in me that same stamina of focused concentration a girl in a trance presents; my consolation is that perhaps this is not a faculty very developed in males, notwithstanding its use in sex is obvious. But when girls concentrate on sex, I suspect mostly they do so to remain sane. At least, all the girls I have seen in this state of total concentration appeared mostly in a trance, largely as if because they needed to be there to stay cool and focused. I would like to see a girl concentrating on sex as though she be in a trance, but for her not to be in a trance (though the state would so much resemble a trance, one might choose to define things so as to still classify it such). I can't say sufficiently how much I admire girls who view the vampirish thwarting of their sexual desires by society as a great evil, as something worthy of making one wake up screaming. And yet, when society thwarts a girl and the guy she wants, typically they don't do this by screwing them up with nastiness. It's all done very politely, really, in the name of religion and keeping girls safe. The underlying causes are more nefarious, but on the fundamental level, that wouldn't touch a girl who loved me, nor me either. Our separation would leave us just as clean and uncorrupted as before. Better for a girl to concentrate on sex for her sanity than to not concentrate on sex at all, but better still for a girl to concentrate on sex without her sanity depending on her ability to keep concentrating on it. It isn't right to try to make people love you by for that reason putting them in a state such that their sanity depends on loving you well, or to refrain from disabusing them of incorrect notions because so doing may cause them to no longer need to love you just to stay sane. I don't actually think people are of a nature to do this—the drawbacks of putting someone you desire in an emotionally unstable state are obviously very significant, and actually there are more things than sex or romantic love that sometimes people need to think about just to prosper enough to be useful—but I do think that there are people who think they want others' sanity to depend on loving them. I'd say that they just don't very well know what they really very well want.

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