Friday, February 13, 2009

Girls, dizziness, and trust

Except for a dozen or so words of editing, I wrote the poem ending this post a couple days ago. It is not very poetical, but perhaps it makes up for it sufficiently to be worth posting from it being informative. Lately I have been thinking that pretty much there is no chance of being understood by people who are very much afraid of being wrongfully shamed by me. Unfortunately, pretty much all girls who would be interested enough to think about me tend to look like they are that way. I can't say that I deserve this; it's just something that follows from my being wise enough to know how to make a girl ashamed of herself. There is no way one can be wise enough to understand properly how to discriminate between depraved behavior and innocuous behavior without being looked upon as some sort of dangerous individual. If I were to tell a girl she be a skank, my having thought carefully about the exact characteristics of skankiness would make my opinion sting greatly. Why I would do such a thing unless I really believed it, I don't know, but it is just a part of being who I am that I must deal much more than usual with that fear.

It's mainly females who behave dishonestly with each other as regards what is shameful or not. They can be quite manipulative about it (e.g., in making male desires for sex seem shameful, especially if such sex is not accompanied by marriage) with both sexes. Making a female feel like her behavior is shameful has a way of making her want to be more asexual and nun-like--the last thing a male would want. Males aren't often as manipulative that way as females. Of course, there might be a selfish tendency for males to make girls feel their relationships with other males are shameful, so they'll get more sex themselves. But really, females more judge males from the opinion of other females; and really it isn't necessary for a male to tell a girl whether a male is corrupting her or not; it suffices merely to point out what corruption is. And there are hellfire preachers who manipulate with shame to make their congregations bigger, but I am not especially trying to recruit a church.

As regards me, what girls seem to fear more, I feel, is my not really appreciating them very much. They will not especially take seriously what I have to say as long as they think I might be trying to manipulate, mock or trifle with them. Yes, I don't tend to bulldoze through obstacles or overcome external difficulties in relationships as though I be in a Sherman tank. I settle for what is possible. I already am mostly free, and to the extent I am not, well, it's not because depravity has me by the hindquarters, so I doubt whether I should get too perturbed about it. Unlike almost everyone else in this world, I have my own notion of what is depraved and what isn't. In particular, I actually think there is a distinction between humiliating someone by doing something depraved and humiliating someone by pointing out that one is addicted to depravity. If that makes me too dangerous to take me seriously, well, love is not an adequate recompense for sin, so it's not like I'm going to lie about what I believe just for the sake of making me more pleasant to deal with. I guess the main reason I'm slow and not particularly fast as regards females is that usually I mostly have no choice--they have to trust me enough to think about my opinions before my opinions will have any effect other than making me seem pushy and manipulative. And then if they do trust me sufficiently, if I don't get all excited and quick or like I'm fighting Pickett's charge when difficulty arises, maybe that is just because I believe getting all excited won't accomplish anything except to freak out everyone's family and close friends so much that the freedom we both probably mostly have will disintegrate. Yes, that makes sense. At least, I do not interpret my lack of enthusiasm as lack of love. (But she reminds me of electron physics, and I still don't have a clue why (or any well-thought out coherent theory of electron physics or intellectual reason to think I might obtain one), so it's not as though I understand what I am feeling, which has some dim subtlety about it.)

The morning of the day I wrote the poem below, a strange phenomenon occurred to me. I awakened with an extreme dizziness that lasted several hours. It was an extremely miserable feeling, as though I was dying. But the dizziness went away almost as suddenly as it came, and I survived after all. This got me to thinking, Why is dizziness such an extremely wretched sensation? I don't seem to be any worse for the experience. And then it occurred to me that perhaps semen contains chemicals that via sodomy can cause dizziness. That would also explain why dizziness tends to cause vomiting (fortunately I hadn't eaten in twelve hours, so all I vomited was a little water I had drunk)--vomiting is an obvious defense against oral sodomy. Clearly if a sodomy victim is dizzy, that might be expected to tend to make the victim easier to deal with, rape, control, etc. Even when dizziness is not caused by sodomy, the brain probably has evolved to behave as though the dizziness is likely caused by sodomy, which would explain the extreme miserableness and emetic nature of it. (I'm not sure what caused my dizziness. The day before I thoughtless ate I think an excessive number of dates, perhaps on account of being agitated at the Treasury Secretary's preposterous proposal to lend money to people to buy toxic assets, enriching bank investors at the expense of people losing their jobs and going hungry, but I don't know for sure if the dates had anything to do with it.) A girl especially probably would be prudent to play so as to have a good understanding of her natural propensity toward dizziness. And if she is unusually sexually pleased she naturally might tend to shake her head violently by way of comparing her then propensity toward dizziness with that which she had examined during play dance. I think that this might explain why girls (especially apparently) often thrash their heads about in dancing--they're experimenting with their dizziness levels, by way of seeing what these levels are ordinarily or when unusually sexually excited, checking in the latter case to make sure the dizziness levels aren't excessive--and why (I have noticed) that girls who tend to do this thrashing can be unusually clean and attractive looking. I must admit, though, I wonder whether it is often overdone--people can be very black-and-white about anti-sodomy things--leading in this case to excessively sore necks or rattled brains, I imagine.

What I want
I want to be with her.
I want to be able to talk about anything I want.
And be listened to.
And disagreed with when she disagrees.

I want freedom
And so does she
Rescuing each other from the same thing a little illogical.
I am already free,
And so is she,
mostly, I guess.

I want to be more sacred in my eating habits.
I chow down way too much without even realizing it
Until it is too late.
I don't really know what else I need to be more disciplined about.

I need to be more lazy
in opposition perhaps
more than anything.
I get too focused on fighting the bad,
my health gives way and I eat a dozen dates without realizing it
and get more sick.

Everything I eat I must eat with sacred due consideration
of its probable effects. I'd prefer always to eat a little less than what I am hungry for.

I wish I could be with her.
But what can I do?
But take more care in my eating habits.

I see death in haste.
Maybe we'll have a child and all three starve.
More probably, what she is brave enough to play with
won't matter as much as what people would think.
I'm odd.
Nothingness all I'd get if I tried.
I don't know why
families would make a commotion,
and win somehow,
they would
unless I don't see this as obtaining freedom.
We're already free.
Emotionally, I don't want to approach this with a running start.
I could cover your hand, though,
and look at you,
and say things that I happen to be thinking.
And if you are dispassionate enough, maybe I won't really care
what I say
except that it is true
and interesting
and something you might not have thought of before
in exactly that way.

Females can be sort of strange about pride.
She can make the mistake of thinking what I say matters
not only whether it is true,
but whether it makes her feel good about herself.
To tell a girl her faults to make her feel pain,
a very strange desire
it would be hard to imagine any male possessing
except from a kind of immature anger.
And yet,
I would make a girl feel ashamed of herself if she deserved it.
Reform matters.
And I don't really think girls should respect me if I didn't think so.
What a girl really wants is a male not to emotionally dwell on her faults.

I don't expect a girl not to want to take pride in herself.
I have my own opinions about what is depraved and what is not.
I don't care much what others think beyond their proofs and to the extent I do,
criticize me.
It's perhaps too much for me to hope to find a girl who has her own opinions there.
I don't expect or even want to be trusted,
I want a girl who will mostly trust me,
before very long,
in that I won't try to manipulate her into feeling bad
about things she ought not to feel bad about.
I'm not trying to turn you into church lady.
Not going to make you feel guilt so you'll go to my church.
I don't have a church.
Not going to make you feel guilty about a him just so
you'll sleep with me instead.
Or if I don't believe you should.
I mostly have freedom,
but not enough trust
that I can say things
to someone who will listen and think.
If I had that from you,
I wouldn't need much of any other trust,
since you'd want me yourself,
or move on.
More than what anyone else can give me,
I can imagine from you,
though not for any particular reason
I can understand.